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21st December 2010

1:07am: happy new year, live journal.
 2011, PARTY IT UP.

this year was, is, will be.

i can't tell if my head has been in the right place or the wrong place, because throughout everything, it feels like cats.

no, andrew lloyd webber. no, ts eliot, not those.

(2 that she's been missing | things out of sight)

20th July 2010

11:28am: everything the light touches is all breadsticks
 did i tell you that i've felt more like myself in the past few months than i have since high school?
i've been content, mostly
i'm starting to get anxious again, but doing my best to fight it.
i think this may be the first time the i don't want school to start.
i'm going into my sixth year of college. when did i get this old?
i'm in love with everyone, i think. i am grateful. acceptance is beautiful. and i'm glad i've stayed in newp all these years. i still can't believe i can say "all these years." i think i might stay here for my student teaching at this point. i have to make a decision soon.
i don't know. 
everything is breadsticks.

"will you or i remember in 40 
                or even laugh
                  confused
                           or care?"

(2 that she's been missing | things out of sight)

3rd May 2010

11:00pm: Dear World:

I am full.

I am much.

(worryworryworry)

I am vague.

LIFE.

'n stuff.

Where does the apostrophe go? n' or 'n? There are two letters missing!!!!

I got my yorb at LC back attack. So I feel good about being employed. School is winding down for this semester, so I feel mostly good about that (besides statistics). I'm worried about finding fieldwork for the fall, but trying not to think about it.

WHAT'S REALLY GOOOOOOOOOOOD? 
(that's muh beat)

(things out of sight)

26th April 2010

10:15pm: I'm not good, I'm not nice, I'm just right.
It's Sondheim-mania up in this joint. Well, re-discovered Into the Woods thanks to one, Lisa Perrin . Promotion. Hope that's ok. 

It's almost May. I last wrote in February.

Things happened. Everyone's leaving except now everyone. 

I'm hoping this is 11th grade, not 12th. or it is new. Just 17th grade. Christ.

Time flies. Eyes spies. I'll post more lates. Hopefully.

(things out of sight)

2nd February 2010

10:18am: dear internet,
So, I'm sitting here watching Conan's last show two weeks too late. I'm hoping I'm on top of things, although I'm not sure that I am. It is week 2 of grad school. I'm just unsure, I suppose.

Tom Hanks. What.A.Man.

At least another year and a half in Newpy and then I have this great state of NY to explore... or wherever I can get student teaching placement.

I don't have much to say. I'm actually very busy, but not acting like I am because I'm a poop.

OK. Thanks, livejournal.

(things out of sight)

11th January 2010

4:33pm: Before I forget, I noticed that this is my 500th liverjournal entry! I don't know if that deserves an exclamation point or not. Or if that's even a good milestone considering it's been eight years (in october, so really seven). If I hadn't been slacking recently, maybe there'd be 500 more? I don't know about that.

This is just a congratulations entry. A congratulations to livejournal. Who still has Christmas decorations up. Come on. It's a little too long after new years to keep those around.

Love,
Michelle

(things out of sight)

2nd December 2009

9:59am: in your fingertips
i had a dream that i accidentally cut my hair but i kept telling people that i'd just put it back on my head and it'd be fine.

i'm trying to do some math but i need to take breaks because i'm trying not to get headaches... not a nine o'clock in the morning, anyway.
i'm going to the neurologist next tuesday, even though the weird headaches have become few and far between since thanksgiving (not that long ago). it's most likely all triggered by stress which is embarrassing but i'd feel better for the rest of my life if I knew there isn't an aneurysm lurking about in my brain cranium. i think that's a universal thing, isn't it?

i guess i don't have much to say... i haven't in a while. there's just no time for introspection, i suppose. only time for functions and graphing them. all.day.

oh and you know papers and papers and papers.

(1 that she's been missing | things out of sight)

19th September 2009

7:46pm: ...leading
I used to live much more inside myself. But this "used to" seems very recent and the wrong way to describe the time. I guess I'm less (or not?) depressed now that I'm more driven? have ambition? goals to achieve? (I used to pride myself on living without long-term goals, I think).  The past year has been "you'll do what you have to do, you'll do what you have to do (to get what you want)." And that works, that's been working. I hope it's not a distraction. I hope it's permanent. I've been back to making lists, being able to sleep (only with the tv and fan on, does that count?) Not crying all the time, though that was three years ago now? Unbelievable. Still unbelievable to me. What is me. What is me.
How am I not myself?

(things out of sight)

10th September 2009

8:56am: passing time
oh hey, live journal...

i survived the summer, it was busy with school (i've never been so schoolish...ever?) and the PT job at forever 21. And now I'm at school again, procrastinating this paper about my life. what could be hard? trying to connect it to theories. anyway...
i don't really have any thoughts. i feel like it's been livejournal's tenth birthday for years, with this cake on the right corner of my screen.
i'm glad i'm only in one communications class... those are really getting to be all the same. well, they've been all the same since the beginning. but at least i get to learn new subjects now. i'm happy about that. i have this bible class in a couple minutes. the teacher is a rabbi (REDUNDANCIES!) and he is quite a talker, although he always sounds angry or frustrated about anything. also,  he loves star wars.
then i have what is supposed to  be the easier math class, although i think i'm doing worse in it. i'll find out on the first quiz. and theeeen, theories of writing which is what this paper is for. is it really procrastinating if it's not due until october 1st?

oh yeah, so applying for the grad school. everything's going smoothly so far. all of my recommendations have been mailed back to me, took the GRE and just got what i needed, although i did well on the writing portion of the exam. 5! out of 6. well, i was excited. just working on the essay now, but i sent it out to marlene and so i'm waiting. i just have to get b's in these math classes. i never got lower than a 80 in h.s. on math, but an 80 is a b-, so i really have to work. i got an 18/20 on my first quiz in the algebra class, so fingers crossed.

it's cold today. i live here. 7 minutes til class. the seven minute warning. didn't we have that in middle school? what was that for? i wish someone that went to udall read live journal. the seven minute bell.... classes were only 40 minutes, what could the seven minute bell could've been for?

HELPPPPPPP!

(1 that she's been missing | things out of sight)

6th July 2009

12:20pm: July 4th
Annual 4th of July except at 4th of July, for the 2nd half of the fireworks display, I thought, maybe I won't do these posts anymore. 4th of July posts are from a time now far from me.
Fiyahworks, Fiyahworks.

(things out of sight)

30th May 2009

10:52pm: i feel good. home alone on a saturday night, doing homework. i think i am happy.

(things out of sight)

17th May 2009

7:54pm: hey live journal,

it's summer but there's no rest for the michelles.

part time job, hopefully
full time student, definitely.

english english english. reading, papers discussion board. that's my guess. seannie as english tutor (yay!)
&studying for GRE (avec tutor?)

fall semester
math!
math!
english!
media!
poetry!
history!

hooray for variety.

i didn't graduate today. i'm jealous, but i don't regret it. sucks to be a grown up, i wasn't ready. i'm still in training. i'm doing well though, i think.

new apartment=awesome. it's coming together. with job, will be able to do up living room (hopefully).

jon and kate plus 8. womp womp.

(6 that she's been missing | things out of sight)

2nd March 2009

12:13pm: motion
welcome to march...

so... life plans changed... you know how it goes.

(i don't like being young and fickle, so i'm not being fickle...or young.)

i will be an undergrad for two more semesters (summer and fall 09, if all goes to plan) and then start grad school in spring '10 for elementary ed. i need to stay an undergrad to obtain credit requirements for the graduate program. economy blah blah no better time blah blah so here i am.

new apartment in may, i hope. and i hope to be there indefinitely. forced independence was good for me. i am mostly happy. really.

english class has been invigorating. i feel like i'm learning again.

looking forward to spring break. "road trip" with sean. but barely. just to va to get my car checked.

hoping to not have to do that again, and get a ny license in two years.

i'm amazed to think how much my disposition has changed.

WHY ISN'T IT SNOWING MORE? the end.
Current Mood: okay

(2 that she's been missing | things out of sight)

11th January 2009

2:11pm: So, Israel
Yeah I got back from Israel on Wednesday. Wednesday morning, 6 am. It was pretty amazing.
Birthright wants us all to more appreciate our religion and have an urge to move "home" to Israel and join the IDF and wander the streets of Jerusalem for eternity. With the cats.
It seemed that everyone in my group achieved those feelings.
I enjoyed Israel. I'm not a fan of sitting on the beach for 8 hours a day vacations. I liked having something to do every second of the day. Being busy and not thinking of careers or grad school or jobs while I'm in school or my electric bill or buying books, RESPONSIBILITIES. Israel was supposed to be an educational and spiritual experience. For me, it was a good vacation. (And educational).
Best things about Israel:
STAN THE CAMEL
DEAD SEA (people saying "it's ok" when I splashed them)
TEL AVIV (I'd go back there for a 5000 dollar weekend)
Bad parts in Israel:
Not being able to walk on my foot and Shabbat at the Wall, when everyone was singing and dancing in the circle, I didn't feel it. I just felt hurt. And turned off.
Not being able to sleep the first few nights.
The VERY best parts:
Aish 2. My group was amazing. Having spent college realizing the low self-esteem that I should've had in middle school and high school, being with these wonderful, accepting people felt really good. Even if they were just faking it for 10 days and they're really cruel, I'd still thank them. Which I did. As we had to give toasts twice.
Feeling somewhat autonomous and accepted were the best parts of Israel. I did not find my place in my Jewish culture and heritage, but I'd like to think that I got back some of myself that I had lost, or at least a new version of it. Michelle 2.0. We'll see if it lasts.

(things out of sight)

23rd December 2008

5:34pm: Her again?
So, at the end of 2005, I did a year-in-review journal. And now it is happening again. Here it goes...first sentence of first entry of every month.

January:
"so my gaycation was pretty good."

February:
"oh dear."

March:
"My Grandpa passed away yesterday afternoon."

April:
"CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE ACKKK"

May:
"The end."

June:
"West Islip, where you can reach the American Dream, but only if you're white.

July:
"This July Fourth was pretty July Fourthy as July Fourths go."

August:
"new digs, new computer, long hair, new sweatshirt, new backpack."

September:
"So, what's going on these days?"

October:
"basically, i'm just complaining even though things are pretty good."

November:
"I'M GONNA BLOG ABOUT THIS"

December:
"guess what i need to do, everybody."

January:
Gaycation is from The office. I was in love with Juno. I was speaking of being in kentucky/new york for a week.

February:
I hadn't updated in a month. I talked about my classes.

March:
That's pretty self explanatory, I think.

April:
And the only sentence in that entry, cause I love 30 Rock.

May:
Here is where I talked about my writing influences and "the end" is because when we first met, i ended everything story with the end, out of habit, and sean said i should start stories with "the end."

June:
haha, a rant. should've just left it as that one sentence, though.

July:
I went to Pearl River's with the Sean's, as i said in the entry. and an update on how my summer was.

August:
moved into the new apartment, and a very brief update.

September:
another very brief update.

October:
leanne wins project runway and i'm definitely going to israel

November:
Obama Wins!

December:
One of Michelle's patented lists.


I've basically only been updating once a month. Pretty sad. Maybe i don't have a lot to say anymore? Maybe life is getting in the way. Responsibilities? I hope not.
Current Mood: hungry

(things out of sight)

3rd December 2008

9:09pm: yaaay! listy!
guess what i need to do everybody....

tomorrow:
EMW due
check out metals sale
ask sam about using her clothes
print out notes for presentation
research/start MRM paper

friday:
revise/put together focus group papers?
presentation-- look ridiculous

saturday:
website with elaina
mrm paper

sunday:
mrm paper

monday:
revise/put together focus group papers
revise BCH final
proof/print MRM paper

tuesday:
check out ceramics sale
see if the library will accept me yet
ACTV paper due


Find out new group for EMW and meet with them.
Go to post office for forwarding address
Call electric Co.
Pack the poop outta this apartment. oy oy oy.

and then VA and then Israel and then VA and then Newp. so muuuuuuuuuuuch.

(1 that she's been missing | things out of sight)

5th November 2008

9:01am: one day i'll be more prolific
I'M GONNA BLOG ABOUT THIS.

as i was lying in bed last night, i thought of all these great things to say. OF COURSE. about camelot and then i learned this morning that that analogy to kennedy's camelot already existed. mainly about the literary aspect. or the television aspect. that, you know, topanga didn't move to pittsburgh. except the opposite, obama won. but that's just a tv show and this is life and the presidency. sitcoms are only a half hour. how long will this last?

unless it goes back to unbearable lightness of being with life really being literary but that was a book. so. we're gonna be in some rosy glasses for a week and then back to complaining about shit.

however pessimistic i am, i'm excited. dunno what's going to happen. it's not gonna be boring.
Current Mood: anxious

(things out of sight)

16th October 2008

3:07pm: my full name
hello hello hello

basically, i'm just complaining even though things are pretty good. in G E N E R A L i still like my classes, i'm getting work done ahead of time, i'm getting good grades (although we shall see what happens after midterms) and once it gets into group projects which i hate, y'all.

goin to israel is definite. jill said it's not as bad as she thought it was gonna be, so i guess it's not as bad as i think it's gonna be. just want some souveniers!!!! what up sheckels 1/3 of u.s. dollar.

mccain's a crazy dude with his tongue sticking out. oh presidential candidates and their crazy antics.

i was probably gonna write something profound in here. oh well. this is a weird day. i dunno what to do. i finished my work early and there's nothing else that i can do til tomorrow.

uh ok... prosperity.


also... yay leanne project runs!

(things out of sight)

15th September 2008

4:02pm: here, diagonally.
So, what's going on these days?

i suppose i lead a quiet life (yes, yes i do). but i'm pretty sure i like that (of course i'm not sure... i'm (21). do i have to be sure yet?)
i think i like having a roommate. i haven't seen any real downfalls yet.
i like my classes so far. they're all to do with tv. least favorite is pr pubs (that's not tv) and i'm kinda over the pr thing. but i like learning how to work with the mac software. it's just frustrating. well me+art+computers=frustration.

maybe i should figure out what i'm gonna be for halloween.

i'm trying to go to israel but so far it's rough. i applied though, i have to interview. do i really want to go? i dunno. i guess i do. i'm so fearful of so much but i just think it's time to go for it connect four.

and i guess that's it. i have to try not to bake this week.

(1 that she's been missing | things out of sight)

23rd August 2008

5:21pm: exhaust pipe
new digs, new computer, long hair, new sweatshirt, new backpack. that's it of new things.

this year=?=no expectations

that's ok, right?

(things out of sight)

23rd July 2008

8:24pm: oh john edwards, you are crossing over.
looking at pictures of newborn babies makes all my mommy organs want to jump out of my body and do a dance to try to get a baby in them. michelle's not ready yet, little uterus. i know they're cute, dammit! I KNOW. get over it. if you squeeze them too hard, they'll explode, so don't even try. (although babies are surprisingly resilient).

let's see. a month and a day until school starts, so that's good. i'm pretty much looking forward to it, ready for summer to end, although not really ready for next year, so much as i want last year to start. except not with the persuasion class. but this year is new things,  as i believe i have noted. and i will learn to deal. blehhhhhhh i'm getting anxious.

nausea anxiety nausea anxiety. WHO ARE WE, WOODY ALLEN?

i don't know where i'm going and i don't care for that. because i need control always. and life is one big out of control. today, i read this excerpt from a book by a "medium" (it was on msn) and it was with all questions that she has been asked over the years. and she talked all about what she knows of the afterlife, from what spirits that she has talked to have told her. there are no earthly desires, of course. not eating because there is no taste or smell, so no going to the bathroom, no sex, no clothes. cause there is not human form. just a soul. and you move and talk in your mind, basically, but you can communicate with everyone. EVERYONE. and you can be wherever you want, and god supposedly creates it. you like baseball? you can play baseball. you like chess? you're sittin there playin chess with your dead friend. and the only emotions are absolute joy and absolute forgiveness. forgiveness of yourself, mainly. and everything is wonderful and easy because you understand. and when you die, you go out from your head or your feat, and your life does flash before your eyes and you are shown, or find out the meaning of your life (this, i've heard before). everything makes sense and you learned your life's lesson and you are one with everything. and then eventually your soul goes into something else in order for it to learn a new life lesson.

not that i believe that this is the definitive answer on what happens after you die. in fact, i believe that whatever you believe happens to you after you die IS what happens to you after you die. and if it isn't, no one will know. anyway, after i read this, i realized how much i'd hate to have everything be easy and to just understand the world and my life and myself. and to understand the point of me being on this planet. i want the struggle. i want the mood swings. and not just for the drama of it, and of course, i'm a ham, the drama is there. but what kind of lifely experience would this be without all those things? it'd be death.

give me the unhappiness because, as the excerpt kind of said, when it's good, it's really fuckin good. having highs to differentiate from the lows is what makes this life great.

remind me this when i'm really depressed, ok?
Current Mood: pensive

(2 that she's been missing | things out of sight)

8th July 2008

9:57pm: Time for the annual July 4th post (four days too late)
This july fourth was pretty july fourthy as july fourths go.

I decided fireworks should (safely)  be for every day, not just for when America wants to celebrate shit. cause that's stupid. FIREWORKS FOR (DESIGNATED INDIVIDUALS TO USE) EVERYONE TO SEE ALL THE TIME!

Went down to Pearl River with the Sean's and sat on chairs in the rain and got zeppoles. Although the fireworks were fireworky and i was silly in the car going back, and my lip was all big for the very beginning parts, i'd have to say that the best part was getting to play piano. i think i really miss it. or maybe i just like the attention. well, of course that's it. although, i would've sat and played if there was no one around too. i definitely would have.

it was a good 4th though.


i am floating right now and i am uncertain. i feel like one side is saying everyone's taking vacation, you should be taking a vacation! and another side is saying, everyone's working hard! you should be working hard! i can't do both, but it turns out i can't do either. i think i'm just gonna keep buzzing until i sputter out. it is the midway point of the summer. seven weeks down, seven weeks to go. i can't believe how slowly seven weeks go by (yes, i see that now that i'm not in it, it went fast, but while i was in it, it was slow as hell. and i'm gonna be in the 2nd set of seven weeks and i assume those will follow suit).

next year will be different and new, but i'm not nervous yet.

dear dot, i don't know how to divide my time up as neatly as you.

i've been working on gathering things for the portfolio for the internship class. i have reservations about it as i don't  know what the we're really supposed to include. instead of asking, i've just explained in it that it's focused on my internship (and not my entire life).

my grandparents are going on a cruise starting on thursday until next saturday. gayle's coming up from thursday to monday to do stuff with me and make sure i'm ready to stay by myself, i think. and to make sure i eat. i've thought of activities that gayle and i can do but she's started having heart problems and i don't want her to over exert herself. she hasn't said anything about not wanting to do things that i've suggested, so i dunno.

and then when everyone's gone for five days, i will sing around the house and watch tv. and then that will end on saturday. but for those 20 or so hours of singing, maybe i'll be happy.
Current Mood: weird

(things out of sight)

29th June 2008

5:24pm: look, we do that!
did i ever tell you about one of my many waits in albany airport that was interesting? well, i'll tell you now.

I was waiting in the front by all the ticket booths (it's a very small airport) and watching the limited hustle and bustle. I believe I was coming back from Virginia in January. A policeman or airport security brought this girl pretty much in front of me, but over to the side and close to the ticketing area than the chairs where I was sitting. She looked around 16, but she could've been younger.  From bits and pieces of conversation, this girl had run away. (She managed to book a flight, so that led me to believe she was out of middle school). Her parents had mixed emotions between dismay and relief as their eyebrows went from that angry position to the worried position. They would go between touching her and almost hugging her to stepping back to scold her. I remember them threatening her to take her to the hopsital and her yelling back (while crying, she was sobbing the whole time) that she's not pregnant. "I'm not pregnant mom! I didn't have sex!" She had a big black messenger bag over her shoulder, a pillow and a worn stuffed animal. In her fight for freedom, her reckless vacation, she brought the little stuffed animal she has had since she was a baby. How could anything unwritten be so poetic?

I had taken candid, blurry pictures of the event, but I can't seem to find them.

shucks.
Current Mood: melancholy

(1 that she's been missing | things out of sight)

13th June 2008

11:36pm: you're a lady spinstah
Breakdowns. Summer, so far:

(it's still early, only june 13th.)

internship- good. calm. quiet. not a lot of pressure. doing little write ups,  joke joke joke. getting to know everyone. sometimes i feel like the dumbest person there, but i think i'm the funniest, so that's ok.

lc- i go back tomorrow. everyone seems to have my back cause of howard, so that's a pretty sweet deal. we'll see how the rest of the summer goes.

friends- denise, alyssa, jill, lauren. that's people. that's more than last summer. i'm happy with that.

ravit grandparent's house- it's pretty sweet digs. food in my belly. red room. grandma can be grandma-ish, but it's really fun to see how a 60 year old relationship works.

i got my intern card yesterday, i get free entrance into all the museums, so i'm kinda pumped.

i'm actually quite tiyad.

(things out of sight)

5th June 2008

7:46pm: You're next Long Island.
West Islip, where you can reach the American Dream, but only if you're white. Can you say waterfront property? Boat on the dock? 1.5 million dollar house? Yeah, work your way up, son (doesn't matter how you get there, as long as you get there).

Dear West Islip,

This is why I hate you. Because I am not like you. I'm not rich or fancy or trashy or slutty or preppy. I'm me and you are not me. You don't reach beyond your border (except to go to Starbucks). You make me feel rejected. You make me feel alone. You taunted me for thirteen years, (sort of) letting me call you my home.

This is why I love you. Because of the ease of your geography. You let me say "the other side of the tracks." You have history. You breed families. You are predictable. Constant. You can be parodied. You make me feel worldly because I can see the Great South Bay from you and pretend that it's the Atlantic Ocean. You gossip and while the names may change, the content is pretty much the same. Sometimes it seems as though you admit to being fake. "I'm not like this behind closed doors, you say." And if you don't say it, you'll be ousted pretty quickly. You have six elementary schools, two middle schools and one high school. You are proud of your sports teams. You are men.

West Islip, you are a time capsule that your inhabitants can either get stuck in or leave just before burial.

"We're just having some people over! We'll bring the grill out! We're getting a keg!"

Oh, Robert Moses. You have dreamed up a  complex system of highways and West Islip has your bridge. Thank you for picking that quiet town.

No, the stars don't shine brightly in West Islip, but there is a planetarium in the high school. Those of us who carry that experience through adulthood know where to look.

(things out of sight)

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